my name is not Introvert [spain post 2]

I've recently found myself adopting the label "introvert" as more than a label. I've been using that as an excuse to be by myself,  as an excuse to be timid towards others, as a lie to myself saying that I don't really need other people, and essentially, using it as my identity.


I'm actually unsure where I fall on the spectrum of socially gaining energy. I'm definitely more towards the introverted side than the extroverted side, but I love my people. I can gain energy from others - it just depends on how my day has been going and on the environment and the conversation and the giggles and the love. I also can gain energy from being alone - from reading or crafting or baking or organizing.


The problem comes when I don't realize that I need people. In those moments, I often tell myself that I like to be alone and then I get into a slump - I feel lazy and sad and also jealous. Jealous of other people lovin' on each other, and yet I still don't realize that I need people then. I just keep telling myself that "I am an Introvert. I am fully capable of being alone."

But I am not always capable of being alone. I am not always capable of gaining energy from solitude. I need others in my life. I need people. My name is not Introvert.


This happened to me on my trip. I was believing the lies that I can fully function independently - even sometimes independently from God. I was choosing to stay within my bubble of comfort - to be timid and to go to bed early and to walk alone. I wasn't so willing to step out and engage in conversation and get to really know my teammates. Which thus left me feeling crummy and lonely and aching for real relationships with these kids.


But God has created us to be in community!!! He has created us to to have deep relationships with others - to sincerely care for each other, to genuinely want to know how they're doing, to share our faith with each other, to share our struggles, to encourage and to lovingly discipline and to sit together and to listen and to laugh and to cry and to love. He wants us to experience this type of relationship with people. He wants to give us a glimpse of his ideals for friendships.

When I did choose to really engage with people on my team, God rewarded our time. When people chose to engage with me and I allowed the conversation to go somewhere, I felt so, so cared for and so, so blessed to be surrounded by each of the people on my team.


My comfort zone is not always the best place to be. Staying there can sometimes cause more pain than what it takes to step outside of it. God has given me the Holy Spirit, which means that I don't need to depend on my shyness and awkwardness to get to know someone. I can rely on Him. And his love for us. The Lord wants me to take a step of faith - outside of my comfort zone - to love his people.

2 Timothy 1:7 - for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

And so a lot of times I love to do my own thing. A lot of times I need to do my own thing. But I was not created to live independently of others. I was created to know the unconditional love of my Father and to pourpourpour out that love to other people. Which means I need other people. And God has given me people. I am not defined by a human label. I am not defined by my own restrictions or definition or comfort zone. My name is not Introvert.

beautiful tears [spain post 1]

I'm a crier. A happy crier, a sad crier, a mad crier, a laughy crier, an overwhelmed crier. And I did a whole lot of crying in sweet, sweet Spain.

The first full day of our trip was spent in the basement of our hotel in NYC. There were fake chandeliers, white, semi-polyester coverings on all the chairs and tables, and the air was sporadically freezing. The room itself was uncomfortable but fortunately, the character of the people in the room is able to determine the mood. It was warm and comforting and open and joyful. There was hope and excitement and desire to grow. The hearts in the room were on fire, and I could feel it.

Many, many times throughout that day as we learned about the brokenness of Spain and of Europe, as we listened to the hearts of our leaders, as we were reminded about how much Jesus wants us to know him, and as we tossed around the possibilities of how God could work in each of our lives throughout this trip, tears came to my eyes because of the great range of emotion I was feeling towards all of what we were hearing and towards what I was learning about who my God is.

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I used to hate crying. When I was younger, I cried all the time and hated that people could see into what I was thinking because the tears just always came, without me asking. So somehow, I decided to stop crying so much. Countless times in the past few years, in the moments when I've needed to be the most vulnerable, I've mumbled "I hate crying." And I would completely close up and only give the most basic outline of my answer to whatever question, to prevent any real emotion from coming out because I knew that there would be many tears involved. I'm still not quite sure all that those personal boundaries did to me, but I do know that it's prevented me from reaching a certain depth in my relationships. It's prevented people from seeing that I care - that I care about having friends,  about how my friends are actually doing, about my family, about my sin and brokenness and also about the sin and brokenness of others. It's prevented so many people from seeing that I want to love Jesus with all my heart - that I'm trying to love him with all I've got. It's prevented myself from seeing that emotions are a gift - that they're a beautiful, beautiful gift from our perfect Creator and he wants me to learn how to handle and foster them, not to bottle them up and forget that what I think matters.

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This first day of our trip, and so many more after that, I cried beautiful tears. Yes, tears can mean pain. But pain is real and is something that needs to be expressed. We were made to express it. And so fortunately, tears can also mean extreme joy and deep longing.


One of my many prayers specifically for this trip was "Lord, I want to experience you in a way I never have." I think through the way my tears freely poured over my cheeks and the countless moments of red and wet eyes, I was experiencing in a new way the Holy Spirit living in me. At an ache of my heart for the people who don't believe that deep friendships can exist, tears came. At a painful wrench of my gut for the people who don't know that Jesus wants them to know his love, tears came. At a longing to know my God that was so intense and that I've never felt before, tears poured and poured and poured. At the desire in my heart for our team to know God more intimately, tears stopped my words. Again and again and again, tears filled in for words I couldn't speak or thoughts I couldn't even put together. A broken, human girl is not capable of feeling these things - of caring so intensely for others and wanting her God to be glorified - without the Holy Spirit living in her. It is He who has shown me these various things. It is He who has shown me that because I can't  fully express my emotions, tears can come and speak for me. It is He who has shown me that through these speechless tears and inability to express myself, there is One who knows my heart. It is He who has shown me that although others may not understand my tears and can't comfort the aches in my heart, He knows and He can. It is He who has shown me that tears are beautiful.

Christ is supreme

Colossians 1:15-20

Christ is the visible image of the invisible God.
    He existed before anything was created and is supreme over all creation,
16 for through him God created everything
    in the heavenly realms and on earth.
He made the things we can see
    and the things we can’t see—
such as thrones, kingdoms, rulers, and authorities in the unseen world.
    Everything was created through him and for him.
17 He existed before anything else,
    and he holds all creation together.
18 Christ is also the head of the church,
    which is his body.
He is the beginning,
    supreme over all who rise from the dead.
    So he is first in everything.
19 For God in all his fullness
    was pleased to live in Christ,
20 and through him God reconciled
    everything to himself.
He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth
    by means of Christ’s blood on the cross.

Colossians 1:15-20

Pressing in

Duluth is finally starting to feel like a home.

I've been a student here for six semesters and the first five I consistently wanted to be elsewhere - primarily at my home in the cities, but there were many a time when I asked myself how different my college experience would have been if I'd gone somewhere else or if I transferred instead of continuing in Duluth. I was experiencing a lot of loneliness but I didn't realize the urgency of finding more friends until I got home from Chile this past August.

When I spent nearly six months in South America, I experienced community like I'd never known it before. I spent close to six out of every seven days with Abby and was so amazed at the quickness of our friendship and the depth it reached in such a short time. The types of conversations we had about how God was working in our lives and where we struggling and where we wanted to grow were conversations I'd never consistently had with anyone. It was inspiring. And not only did I experience this community with Abby, but with the Chilean Cru students and the youth group at my church as well. They were all so intentional and so caring and so interested in hearing about God's role in my life. I really never knew that level of intimacy before - I never knew what it meant to have brothers and sisters in Christ. These kids (and staff) loved on me so much and so well that when I got back to Minnesota, I craved and ached for that community again.

So this fall God prompted me to start praying for this.

"Lord, thank you for these experiences with these people in Chile. God, you have revealed to me how incredible community is and how important it is to my walk of faith. Will you provide that here in Duluth? Will you give me some girls that I can have real, deep friendships with?"

And you know what happened? I found them.

Sweet, sweet Lauryn started hugging me every time I saw her. (& you know what I thought? "Why is this girl hugging me? I don't even know her!") And her hugging caught on and I knew we would be friends.

AlyZZa (haha - love you!) was challenging me in the one-on-one Bible studies we were doing. How was it that this little freshman was so mature and so wise and wanted to grow so much? How was it that our lives were so similar (beyond our first and middle names;)? I wanted this charming girl to feel connected and loved during her first year, but I mostly just wanted her as my friend.

Tori somehow just showed up. I knew her and admired her from afar and I don't know how she weaved herself into my life, but here she is. Her spunk and caring heart are some of her prime characteristics and watching her grow these past two months has been so encouraging.

There are so many other people that have made impressions on my heart this semester - like Gloria and Becca and Sabrina and Abi and Aleah and Michelle and Kenna and Haydn - and there are a few that have so lovingly and enduringly been with me since the beginning: like Melissa, Marissa, Courtney.

I'm so blessed to have these sweet hearts up north here with me and am finding my own heart intertwined with these lives in this area. I'm learning to press in to where I am, to enjoy the moments I have with each of these friends, and to understand that Duluth is where I'm meant to be, for now, with these people.

Thank you, friends, for pulling me into your lives and for making Duluth feel like home.

embrace the messy

Embrace the messy hair. The messy desks. The messy drawers. The messy souls. It’s the messy that’s real - the hard; the hurt; the love; the beauty; the truth. 

We are people with mixed up emotions and thoughts and desires. Our realities our hard, and often lonely.

And trust me, sweet friend, that you are not the only one that way. You are not the only person in the world with these inner feelings, nor in your city or your work or your school or even your friend group. We all have messy realities. We all are broken people, trying to hide who we truly are from millions of others just like us. 

So why don’t we let people in? If all our realities - who we truly are - are just a jumbled up mess of everything, with no real organization or control or sense, why not let others who are, in a way, innately the same as us into our lives? Why not show our truth to others?

So choose a friend, or a few, that you love. Choose someone to become friends with. And be real. Let them see you at your worst, in your most crumbly state. Start peeling back each mask that you wear and reveal your heart to them. Show them where you’re at, and your friend will be encouraged to do the same. You will begin to be real and intentional with each other and you will see not only your friendship grow but also the knowledge of your beautiful worth, the understanding of the importance of real relationships, and your love. 

Our God created us, knowing that we would be messy. Knowing that our realities would be crumbly. But he made each of us with these struggles, intending for us to be together, and worship Him through it all. God wants us together in community to be real and live life together and experience and love each other through our brokenness. We are meant to weave our lives together, to work and to love as one, and Christ will come and heal our mess. He has died for this mess - our sin - because he perfectly loves us. The One who was perfect took our mess from us so that we can live in freedom through him. He looks past our messiness and loves us - infinitely, perfectly, and gracefully. 

Through Christ, there is love and hope in community. Through Christ, there is healing and comfort and growth in intimate friendship.

If Christ’s love is our example.. dear Lord, let us love like you. Let us embrace each other’s mess and love them through it. Show us that mess is okay - that you have taken the punishment for us and because of that, we need not be afraid. Help us to be real and vulnerable with our dearest friends so that they are encouraged to be real as well. Remind us that you know our hearts and it just makes it harder for us when we hide them from you and from others. Remind us that you made us not to struggle and then to fail but to experience struggle with others and to glorify your name through it all. Lord we are so thankful for the love you give us despite our messes. Thank you for the people in our lives that we have the potential to be real with. Thank you for creating people to be in relationship with and for helping us live together through the mess. Dear God, help us embrace the messy.