I've recently found myself adopting the label "introvert" as more than a label. I've been using that as an excuse to be by myself, as an excuse to be timid towards others, as a lie to myself saying that I don't really need other people, and essentially, using it as my identity.
I'm actually unsure where I fall on the spectrum of socially gaining energy. I'm definitely more towards the introverted side than the extroverted side, but I love my people. I can gain energy from others - it just depends on how my day has been going and on the environment and the conversation and the giggles and the love. I also can gain energy from being alone - from reading or crafting or baking or organizing.
The problem comes when I don't realize that I need people. In those moments, I often tell myself that I like to be alone and then I get into a slump - I feel lazy and sad and also jealous. Jealous of other people lovin' on each other, and yet I still don't realize that I need people then. I just keep telling myself that "I am an Introvert. I am fully capable of being alone."
But I am not always capable of being alone. I am not always capable of gaining energy from solitude. I need others in my life. I need people. My name is not Introvert.
This happened to me on my trip. I was believing the lies that I can fully function independently - even sometimes independently from God. I was choosing to stay within my bubble of comfort - to be timid and to go to bed early and to walk alone. I wasn't so willing to step out and engage in conversation and get to really know my teammates. Which thus left me feeling crummy and lonely and aching for real relationships with these kids.
But God has created us to be in community!!! He has created us to to have deep relationships with others - to sincerely care for each other, to genuinely want to know how they're doing, to share our faith with each other, to share our struggles, to encourage and to lovingly discipline and to sit together and to listen and to laugh and to cry and to love. He wants us to experience this type of relationship with people. He wants to give us a glimpse of his ideals for friendships.
When I did choose to really engage with people on my team, God rewarded our time. When people chose to engage with me and I allowed the conversation to go somewhere, I felt so, so cared for and so, so blessed to be surrounded by each of the people on my team.
My comfort zone is not always the best place to be. Staying there can sometimes cause more pain than what it takes to step outside of it. God has given me the Holy Spirit, which means that I don't need to depend on my shyness and awkwardness to get to know someone. I can rely on Him. And his love for us. The Lord wants me to take a step of faith - outside of my comfort zone - to love his people.
2 Timothy 1:7 - for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
And so a lot of times I love to do my own thing. A lot of times I need to do my own thing. But I was not created to live independently of others. I was created to know the unconditional love of my Father and to pourpourpour out that love to other people. Which means I need other people. And God has given me people. I am not defined by a human label. I am not defined by my own restrictions or definition or comfort zone. My name is not Introvert.
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