my name is not Introvert [spain post 2]

I've recently found myself adopting the label "introvert" as more than a label. I've been using that as an excuse to be by myself,  as an excuse to be timid towards others, as a lie to myself saying that I don't really need other people, and essentially, using it as my identity.


I'm actually unsure where I fall on the spectrum of socially gaining energy. I'm definitely more towards the introverted side than the extroverted side, but I love my people. I can gain energy from others - it just depends on how my day has been going and on the environment and the conversation and the giggles and the love. I also can gain energy from being alone - from reading or crafting or baking or organizing.


The problem comes when I don't realize that I need people. In those moments, I often tell myself that I like to be alone and then I get into a slump - I feel lazy and sad and also jealous. Jealous of other people lovin' on each other, and yet I still don't realize that I need people then. I just keep telling myself that "I am an Introvert. I am fully capable of being alone."

But I am not always capable of being alone. I am not always capable of gaining energy from solitude. I need others in my life. I need people. My name is not Introvert.


This happened to me on my trip. I was believing the lies that I can fully function independently - even sometimes independently from God. I was choosing to stay within my bubble of comfort - to be timid and to go to bed early and to walk alone. I wasn't so willing to step out and engage in conversation and get to really know my teammates. Which thus left me feeling crummy and lonely and aching for real relationships with these kids.


But God has created us to be in community!!! He has created us to to have deep relationships with others - to sincerely care for each other, to genuinely want to know how they're doing, to share our faith with each other, to share our struggles, to encourage and to lovingly discipline and to sit together and to listen and to laugh and to cry and to love. He wants us to experience this type of relationship with people. He wants to give us a glimpse of his ideals for friendships.

When I did choose to really engage with people on my team, God rewarded our time. When people chose to engage with me and I allowed the conversation to go somewhere, I felt so, so cared for and so, so blessed to be surrounded by each of the people on my team.


My comfort zone is not always the best place to be. Staying there can sometimes cause more pain than what it takes to step outside of it. God has given me the Holy Spirit, which means that I don't need to depend on my shyness and awkwardness to get to know someone. I can rely on Him. And his love for us. The Lord wants me to take a step of faith - outside of my comfort zone - to love his people.

2 Timothy 1:7 - for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

And so a lot of times I love to do my own thing. A lot of times I need to do my own thing. But I was not created to live independently of others. I was created to know the unconditional love of my Father and to pourpourpour out that love to other people. Which means I need other people. And God has given me people. I am not defined by a human label. I am not defined by my own restrictions or definition or comfort zone. My name is not Introvert.

beautiful tears [spain post 1]

I'm a crier. A happy crier, a sad crier, a mad crier, a laughy crier, an overwhelmed crier. And I did a whole lot of crying in sweet, sweet Spain.

The first full day of our trip was spent in the basement of our hotel in NYC. There were fake chandeliers, white, semi-polyester coverings on all the chairs and tables, and the air was sporadically freezing. The room itself was uncomfortable but fortunately, the character of the people in the room is able to determine the mood. It was warm and comforting and open and joyful. There was hope and excitement and desire to grow. The hearts in the room were on fire, and I could feel it.

Many, many times throughout that day as we learned about the brokenness of Spain and of Europe, as we listened to the hearts of our leaders, as we were reminded about how much Jesus wants us to know him, and as we tossed around the possibilities of how God could work in each of our lives throughout this trip, tears came to my eyes because of the great range of emotion I was feeling towards all of what we were hearing and towards what I was learning about who my God is.

---

I used to hate crying. When I was younger, I cried all the time and hated that people could see into what I was thinking because the tears just always came, without me asking. So somehow, I decided to stop crying so much. Countless times in the past few years, in the moments when I've needed to be the most vulnerable, I've mumbled "I hate crying." And I would completely close up and only give the most basic outline of my answer to whatever question, to prevent any real emotion from coming out because I knew that there would be many tears involved. I'm still not quite sure all that those personal boundaries did to me, but I do know that it's prevented me from reaching a certain depth in my relationships. It's prevented people from seeing that I care - that I care about having friends,  about how my friends are actually doing, about my family, about my sin and brokenness and also about the sin and brokenness of others. It's prevented so many people from seeing that I want to love Jesus with all my heart - that I'm trying to love him with all I've got. It's prevented myself from seeing that emotions are a gift - that they're a beautiful, beautiful gift from our perfect Creator and he wants me to learn how to handle and foster them, not to bottle them up and forget that what I think matters.

---

This first day of our trip, and so many more after that, I cried beautiful tears. Yes, tears can mean pain. But pain is real and is something that needs to be expressed. We were made to express it. And so fortunately, tears can also mean extreme joy and deep longing.


One of my many prayers specifically for this trip was "Lord, I want to experience you in a way I never have." I think through the way my tears freely poured over my cheeks and the countless moments of red and wet eyes, I was experiencing in a new way the Holy Spirit living in me. At an ache of my heart for the people who don't believe that deep friendships can exist, tears came. At a painful wrench of my gut for the people who don't know that Jesus wants them to know his love, tears came. At a longing to know my God that was so intense and that I've never felt before, tears poured and poured and poured. At the desire in my heart for our team to know God more intimately, tears stopped my words. Again and again and again, tears filled in for words I couldn't speak or thoughts I couldn't even put together. A broken, human girl is not capable of feeling these things - of caring so intensely for others and wanting her God to be glorified - without the Holy Spirit living in her. It is He who has shown me these various things. It is He who has shown me that because I can't  fully express my emotions, tears can come and speak for me. It is He who has shown me that through these speechless tears and inability to express myself, there is One who knows my heart. It is He who has shown me that although others may not understand my tears and can't comfort the aches in my heart, He knows and He can. It is He who has shown me that tears are beautiful.