beautiful tears [spain post 1]

I'm a crier. A happy crier, a sad crier, a mad crier, a laughy crier, an overwhelmed crier. And I did a whole lot of crying in sweet, sweet Spain.

The first full day of our trip was spent in the basement of our hotel in NYC. There were fake chandeliers, white, semi-polyester coverings on all the chairs and tables, and the air was sporadically freezing. The room itself was uncomfortable but fortunately, the character of the people in the room is able to determine the mood. It was warm and comforting and open and joyful. There was hope and excitement and desire to grow. The hearts in the room were on fire, and I could feel it.

Many, many times throughout that day as we learned about the brokenness of Spain and of Europe, as we listened to the hearts of our leaders, as we were reminded about how much Jesus wants us to know him, and as we tossed around the possibilities of how God could work in each of our lives throughout this trip, tears came to my eyes because of the great range of emotion I was feeling towards all of what we were hearing and towards what I was learning about who my God is.

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I used to hate crying. When I was younger, I cried all the time and hated that people could see into what I was thinking because the tears just always came, without me asking. So somehow, I decided to stop crying so much. Countless times in the past few years, in the moments when I've needed to be the most vulnerable, I've mumbled "I hate crying." And I would completely close up and only give the most basic outline of my answer to whatever question, to prevent any real emotion from coming out because I knew that there would be many tears involved. I'm still not quite sure all that those personal boundaries did to me, but I do know that it's prevented me from reaching a certain depth in my relationships. It's prevented people from seeing that I care - that I care about having friends,  about how my friends are actually doing, about my family, about my sin and brokenness and also about the sin and brokenness of others. It's prevented so many people from seeing that I want to love Jesus with all my heart - that I'm trying to love him with all I've got. It's prevented myself from seeing that emotions are a gift - that they're a beautiful, beautiful gift from our perfect Creator and he wants me to learn how to handle and foster them, not to bottle them up and forget that what I think matters.

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This first day of our trip, and so many more after that, I cried beautiful tears. Yes, tears can mean pain. But pain is real and is something that needs to be expressed. We were made to express it. And so fortunately, tears can also mean extreme joy and deep longing.


One of my many prayers specifically for this trip was "Lord, I want to experience you in a way I never have." I think through the way my tears freely poured over my cheeks and the countless moments of red and wet eyes, I was experiencing in a new way the Holy Spirit living in me. At an ache of my heart for the people who don't believe that deep friendships can exist, tears came. At a painful wrench of my gut for the people who don't know that Jesus wants them to know his love, tears came. At a longing to know my God that was so intense and that I've never felt before, tears poured and poured and poured. At the desire in my heart for our team to know God more intimately, tears stopped my words. Again and again and again, tears filled in for words I couldn't speak or thoughts I couldn't even put together. A broken, human girl is not capable of feeling these things - of caring so intensely for others and wanting her God to be glorified - without the Holy Spirit living in her. It is He who has shown me these various things. It is He who has shown me that because I can't  fully express my emotions, tears can come and speak for me. It is He who has shown me that through these speechless tears and inability to express myself, there is One who knows my heart. It is He who has shown me that although others may not understand my tears and can't comfort the aches in my heart, He knows and He can. It is He who has shown me that tears are beautiful.